Dead Man Walking

Well, this was kind of a rough week for me. You see, I have had this little love of my life hanging around for about 10 years now and on Monday I felt like it was time that I finally let him go.

I agonized over the decision for the entire weekend. I was sick to my stomach, was in the bathroom every 3 minutes and then crying at night, because I knew I had to tell him exactly how I felt and there was a major chance that my feelings for him would not be reciprocated and I would have to walk away from the relationship.

You see, this kid is that guy that you once dated a long time ago, but now you just hang out when you're single, or not, get drunk and then screw. For me, I went along with this for such a long time, because I felt as though if I pushed for more I would lose this boy forever. I continued to not talk to him when he had a girlfriend and then talk to him again when he was single. This, by the way, did make me feel terrible. I constantly felt as though I was not good enough for him, that I was good enough in the sack but not good enough for anything else.

So, I pulled the trigger, I met him, I told him I wanted more. I told him that I loved him and that I have always loved him, but that the current state of our relationship was stunting other relationships that I had been involved in or might potentially get involved in. Holding on to this boy, never let me fully give myself to anyone else. I always felt this love would be in my life and so I always had a fall back, thus turning most of my relationships in to very shallow encounters. Alas... I do not want that anymore.

What happened... as I suspected... he wants nothing to change. At 36 he is happy with the state of his relationships and our relationship. But, I felt differently and so I told him I would have to leave forever. And I left at that moment. (and then I went home drank a bottle of wine and cried myself to sleep)

Then, something happened, I woke up. I woke up and I was clear. After years of hiding my feelings, they were all out there in the open. I didn't have to be nervous or confused about us anymore. I was honest and open and direct about how I felt and what I needed and it was amazing. I am sure I will get to a point where I will miss my little sweet love, but stick with me girls. I know I can make it through! I know I can stand by my convictions! I know I need more and can get more than a bad drunkin' lay from someone I harbor a deep love for. Right? Right? Tell me I'm right!!?

Ok... may the force be with me...